I keep hearing people say the Bill of Rights is archaic when it comes to The Second Amendment because when it was written people used muskets, so I thought I’d comment on the other rights in that same vein. So, I listed some of them below, and will add my thoughts parenthetically after them. I will make my corrections in red.

Article the third… Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion, or prohibiting the free exercise thereof; or abridging the freedom of speech, or of the press; or the right of the people peaceably to assemble, and to petition the Government for a redress of grievances.

(P.J.:This archaic little right was devised before the era of social media, when Paul Revere types had to ride around on horseback to get messages to people to congregate at such and such a place and such and such a time. 

Nowadays, what with Twitter etc., flash mobs could literally be formed in minutes.

News back then was printed on printing presses, which were extremely inefficient. This supposed right to freedom of speech was granted before the age of efficient Internet news. You can see the problem here, can’t you?

Also, there weren’t as many people back then, so it was a different time altogether. Nowadays, there’s lots more people, so the right to assemble should be proportionately diluted. The more people, the less chance of peaceful assembly, so this one is an accident waiting to happen. I would suggest “Free Speech Zones”, but we already have those. Also, the right to assemble should be restricted in really important places, like The Supreme Court. Thankfully, this got done today. I for one can’t see what The Bill of Rights has to do with The Supreme Court anyway.

As for the establishment of religion thing, this is tricky. What is a religion anyway? The belief in and worship of a superhuman controlling power, especially a personal God or gods, is one definition. The idea of American Exceptionalism fits this bill. So, if you have a problem with this, you have a problem with America. This part of the supposed right was written when America was really small, hardly a superpower, and not prone to meddling in global events to control them on behalf of Divine Providence. Isn’t Zionism in the purest sense a religion? What would  the Senate and Congress say if asked if they support Zionism? Well, if you said Senate Resolution 498 you would have a partial answer. The list of their votes for Zionism seems endless. So, scratch that clause of the Bill. Huh, I guess you could just scratch the whole pesky Third Article. Moving on.
Article the fourth… A well regulated Militia, being necessary to the security of a free State, the right of the people to keep and bear Arms, shall not be infringed.

Muskets back then were single shot and not very accurate, not like today when guns are better. Also, the advent of motorcycles and Twitter means you could have a well regulated and armed biker gang which could flash mob in minutes. So, obviously, this one has to go. I’ve seen lots of movies, and biker gangs make me nervous. This right was for a less efficient time. Dictators would not stand a chance against an armed biker gang. It simply isn’t sporting.

Article the fifth… No Soldier shall, in time of peace be quartered in any house, without the consent of the Owner, nor in time of war, but in a manner to be prescribed by law.

There are a lot more soldiers now then back then. They might need someplace to live at some point. This right was written when America didn’t have much of a standing army, but now it’s pretty big. So, this right too is outdated. When it was written, America wasn’t the Divine Policeman of the world. So, scratch this one too.

Article the sixth… The right of the people to be secure in their persons, houses, papers, and effects, against unreasonable searches and seizures, shall not be violated, and no Warrants shall issue, but upon probable cause, supported by Oath or affirmation, and particularly describing the place to be searched, and the persons or things to be seized.

When this was written, computers and phones were not even invented, so the need for the government to do a warrant-less search of your emails and phone calls was not anticipated, of course.

Searching your car at  mandatory checkpoints or stop and frisk points is okay too. They didn’t have cars back then, and The Founding Fathers would technically have been considered terrorists if they had lost, so they can’t really judge how we fight terrorism.

Secure in your person was written in an age when the drug war was not so critical. So, warrant-less searches and seizures at airports are also fine, since I can guarantee you airplanes did not exist in 1776. Drugs did, but chemistry was worse, so the good ones hadn’t even been invented. So much for Article the Sixth…
Article the seventh… No person shall be held to answer for a capital, or otherwise infamous crime, unless on a presentment or indictment of a Grand Jury, except in cases arising in the land or naval forces, or in the Militia, when in actual service in time of War or public danger; nor shall any person be subject for the same offence to be twice put in jeopardy of life or limb; nor shall be compelled in any criminal case to be a witness against himself, nor be deprived of life, liberty, or property, without due process of law; nor shall private property be taken for public use, without just compensation.

This one is negotiable, since there are a lot more public dangers now than there used to be when this was written. Let’s just say war requires a declaration, but “public danger” can cover a lot of ground. I can work with this one, as long as the media is in control. Since I took care of that above in the Third Article, I’m fairly cool with this one…for now.

Article the eighth… In all criminal prosecutions, the accused shall enjoy the right to a speedy and public trial, by an impartial jury of the State and district wherein the crime shall have been committed, which district shall have been previously ascertained by law, and to be informed of the nature and cause of the accusation; to be confronted with the witnesses against him; to have compulsory process for obtaining witnesses in his favor, and to have the Assistance of Counsel for his defence.

The trouble with this one is people watch all these TV shows about CSI Miami and all of that, and they all think their case is special because of this. Let me break it to you gently–if you have a public defender, you aren’t special. Also, an impartial jury kind of implies juries can decide law, not just guilt. People are really dumb now compared to 1776, so scratch Article 8.

Article the ninth… In suits at common law, where the value in controversy shall exceed twenty dollars, the right of trial by jury shall be preserved, and no fact tried by a jury, shall be otherwise re-examined in any Court of the United States, than according to the rules of the common law.

People are dumber now, so I don’t trust juries. In 1776, a juror would have been a hard working farmer type. Not now. So, scratch this one too.

Article the tenth… Excessive bail shall not be required, nor excessive fines imposed, nor cruel and unusual punishments inflicted.

People back in 1776 were not ruthless enough because people were nicer back then. Times have changed. Break out the water boards and prison rape to make people flip to state’s evidence. Also, if somebody in a Mercedes gets pulled over and has their effects searched in a warrantless search and a joint turns up, they obviously bought their Mercedes and their house with the proceeds of pot dealing, so the state should be able to seize the car at the very least, and also the house and bank account. Fighting the case will drain their money anyway, unless they get a public defender.

Mercedes cars were not even invented in 1776. If they had been, I’m sure Thomas Jefferson would have been seizing them left and right. They are really cool cars.

Article the eleventh… The enumeration in the Constitution, of certain rights, shall not be construed to deny or disparage others retained by the people.

If all these people have the right to free speech and to bear arms, they might criticize and resist the doctrines of American Exceptionalism, political correctness, and Global Warming. None of this stuff was invented in 1776. I think Karl Marx invented them later on. So 11 has to go.

Article the twelfth… The powers not delegated to the United States by the Constitution, nor prohibited by it to the States, are reserved to the States respectively, or to the people.

The problem here is new stuff gets invented all the time, by default this will result in new powers getting reserved to the people and states and will result in a weakening of the Federal Government and an inevitable weakening in the state prescribed religion of American Exceptionalism and Divine Global Policemanism. In 1776, new stuff didn’t get invented as fast because technology was less. So it look like 12 hasn’t stood up to Time very well either.

So, that pretty much wraps it up for The Bill of Rights. It is unfortunate The Founders were so limited in their imagination. If only they had been able to anticipate every little technological innovation, they would have been embarrassed to write all of that irrelevant, outdated gibberish.

If you read this, thanks for playing. If you like, you can get two free zombie apocalyptic adventure books this weekend, Zombie World Order and Dead To Rights. Check Saturday morning, they should be free by then.

update-whoops, looks like I set the books to be free on Aug 30 and 31, so Sunday and Monday. Sorry ’bout that.